i will never coherently bang her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
