i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
