I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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