Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
