I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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