I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
