I'm so fucking centered right now
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
