If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
