Life is so much better after having sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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