so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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