I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
where are my eyebrows?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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