You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
