then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I puked a lego.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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