plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
