halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
