As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
