I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
