A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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