today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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