Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
