Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
When are your genitals available?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
