Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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