my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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