You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
