just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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