Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
