PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
