Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
