Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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