I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
