Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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