but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
