I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
