so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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