distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
