u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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