Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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