how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
