For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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