What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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