She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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