He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We need to rekindle our bromance
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
