I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
