She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I need a burrito and a hug.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
