Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
