you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
