This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
