While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
