Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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