How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
