I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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