Are we in a gay sports bar?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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