the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
