Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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