it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have aggressive nipples.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
