I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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