cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
