A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
