I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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